Tina sat contemplating joining the dating site, she really wanted someone to spend time with, a companion. She wasn’t really looking for a long term relationship right now but she wasn’t looking for a one night stand either. She just wanted to meet a nice man she could talk to, have dinner with or go to a movie with. She wanted finally to “Breathe”.
She felt men were fictitious these days and most only wanted one thing while others lied about their intentions all together. Her late night fantasy stories were becoming her closest reality to any type of contact or connection with a man. She realized she had written many stories in her mind late nights lying in bed alone. When she was creating her fantasy man and her fantasy life she would dream of the day where she would finally be able to “Breathe”.
While Tina was going through the healing process after her divorce, she prayed and asked God to sustain her and remove all intimate feelings/desires. She spent many days and nights alone during the process but she was so thankful God had answered her prayers. It’s been a little over a year since her divorce and she realized she’s just starting to desire the touch of a man. It’s amazing how God can provide exactly what you need to where you don’t even realize it.
Tina’s marriage was not the best, she came to accept that it wasn’t meant to be from the beginning. She herself felt she had not shouldered very much blame because unlike her ex husband, she never cheated. It was only recent that she realized because she chose to stay with him even though he cheated she was still accountable for being a wife.
She knew she was very negative at times in the marriage because of the things he was doing. What she didn’t know, was that his cheating behavior was not an excuse nor did it justify her negative attitude . Fidelity is not the only thing it takes to make a marriage work. Although Tina felt God showed her the marriage was not ordained by him, therefore not meant to be, it didn’t have to end the way it did.
Her ex husband showed his true identity before they got married but struggling with the hurt and confusion from losing her mom, she ignored the signs. In the end, she was hurt, betrayed, belittled, embarrassed and ashamed. The 5 years they were married she was depressed and Tina never even realized it until the marriage was coming to an end. His cheating with multiple women whether it was by texts, calls or physical made her more self conscious, more overweight and feels less attractive.
Tina’s lack of dealing with her ex cheating in the marriage caused the depression to get worse and her to become physically inadequate. She began to have severe back pain, muscle cramps and her joints ached. Intimacy became an issue for her physically as well as mentally, she no longer felt desirable and unable to please him.
She often thought why even bother when I don’t even measure up. Each time she found out he was cheating she would envision this woman whom was always pretty, petite, smart, had beautiful hair and was successful. There were times she didn’t want to be intimate because she was just going through the motions and the pain and uncomfortableness just wasn’t worth it.
Tina took a deep sigh and thought, I have to get past all of this. I am ready to move forward and put all this behind me, I am ready to “Breathe”. She clicked on create a profile and began to set up an account. She didn’t realize there would be so many questions for a dating site. She finished setting up her profile and decided to download the app.
She definitely wanted to meet someone but she was a little hesitant to actually get back out there. She wasn’t the same person she was 6 years ago when she met her ex husband. She had gone through so many changes and she was concerned about her outer appearance. Of course not all of the change was bad she didn’t have a relations ship with God before and now she does.
Tina logged into the app and was excited to see she had notifications. She read the messages she received and read the profile on a few of them but she didn’t respond right away. She was nervous and didn’t want to seem desperate. There were a few men that were attractive, but there was one that caught Tina’s attention. His user name stood out but he was younger so she didn’t respond and didn’t view his profile. Tina felt a little excited like she was starting a new chapter, a journey down the path to where she could finally “Breathe”.
TOMORROW COMES
A BRAND NEW KIND OF ME